Monday, July 11, 2011

Ah ha! Here's the crazy!

Wow, so I totally forgot how mind-blowingly CRAZY I can get during pregnancy. Why didn't you remind me? One minute I'm wringing my hands over the complete lack of planning for Noah's 3rd birthday party and the next I am crying hysterically that we have made no progress on the baby's room and I'm an awful mother because I don't even NOTICE that there is another baby coming in WEEKS and she doesn't even have CLOTHES...apparently long, run-on sentences are also a hallmark of my pregnancy-induced psychosis.
This is hard, y'all. I'm laying myself completely bare when I say this because I don't want you to think it's all sunshine and rainbows over here. I have good days and bad days, happy days and sad days. I know this is mostly due to the raging hormones but I also wonder if it's partly because I feel apathetic towards the arrival of this new baby. (I am SO SORRY baby! I promise I will be so happy when you get here!). People ask us what we're having and I say "a girl!" followed with "we're so excited and can't wait!" when truthfully? Her birth day is bearing down on me and I feel overwhelmed by the things that need to get done and how will I ever wrangle two children and go back to work 12 weeks later and afford childcare for two kids, etc.
Don't get me wrong: we want this baby. We have wanted her for a very long time. But wanting her and the reality of her coming are two very different things. I look at Noah and realize he is no longer my "baby". That makes me cry. He's less than three months from being a big brother and does he even understand that? Probably not. I worry how this baby, this stranger to our family, will affect him. Maybe that's the problem: she's still a stranger to us. Maybe that's why she doesn't have a name...we don't know her yet. How will she fit into our family? Will it be as seamless as everyone tells me? Will it just "happen"? Those of you who have gone before me..tell me how it all works out.
This is all the same (see: crazy) as my pregnancy with Noah and yet so very different (see: apathy). When I was pregnant with Noah all I could talk about was him and I counted down the moments until his arrival. His nursery was done and ready for him well in advance of his birth day. He was all I could think about for hours at a time and I moved in a dream-like state toward July 2008. Fast-forward to now and it is all so very different.
Ok, I feel better just getting all of that out. Hooray for blog therapy! Carry on!


Michelle said...

All totally normal... or if it isn't, you can sign me up for feeling the same way a couple months ago. I was waking up with panic attacks that we didn't have diapers when she hadn't even arrived yet. Freaking out nesting insanity followed closely behind.

I worried if I would love her as much as I loved Finn. (I do.) For me the hardest part was worrying about how Finn would do not being the only one. It has been tough on him, but sticking to the rules and giving him extra time when I have it has helped ease that immensely.

Jessica said...

I felt the same way. It kept getting worse the closer we got to the baby coming, too. But everything was/is fine. Margaret is doing great with the new baby. And despite the fact I did nothing to prepare except buying some boy clothes and some diapers, we haven't had any "oh crap, I need *this* and don't have it" moments yet.

donna said...

Be kind to yourself. Of course it's overwhelming. And those hormones do not help one bit.

Here's a hug for you.

Kristina said...

I remember feeling like this. It's so scary to imagine having to tend to two children and when you're already so busy and stressed with one. I know I got scared there wasn't going to be enough of me to go around. Also, I think with your first baby, you are in a happy oblivion. You think, oh, MY baby will be a DREAM! He'll sleep through the night at two weeks and never fuss and HA HA HA. With your second one, you know what to expect. You know what the sleepless nights are like and how frustrating newborns can be, so it makes it that much more scary.

But I can tell you something- watching my two kids play together and love each other and be best worth every single second. I would do it all over again. And I have an older boy and a younger girl, too, about the same age difference as yours will be and it's AMAZING. My son is so protective of his sister and is just crazy about her.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, it will be amazing!

bessie.viola said...

Oh, I'm sorry. I get where you're coming from because I have those same panicky, apathetic thoughts when just considering having another. Good to know that it's normal during pregnancy, too.

I so relate to the "stranger" thing too - I felt that way about Madeline when she arrived, even though it's crazy to me now three years later.

It will all come together - I'm guessing that maybe this is nature's way of ensuring everything is ready! I know I would probably be too tired. You're doing great, and all will be well. Hang in there!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Just remind yourself that Baby doesn't need anything more than food, warmth and love for quite a while. Just because her birth date feels close, you've got plenty of time.

Use the time you have now to relish in all that is Noah. Soon enough, your family will grow and you'll all know what it's like to have one more in the house!

Hillary said...

I was much the same before The Lad's arrival. And when he did arrive, and I had to leave The Boy ON CHRISTMAS DAY to change his life forever, I was a crying, pissed off mess. But then The Lad appeared with his dimples and grins and everything is fine.

k said...

I felt all of this while pregnant and then totally AGAIN right before Iris came home. Worried about Ezra's adjustment, obsessing over the soon-to-be-end of his lone wolf status, crapping a brick over wrangling two children and the costs associates with it. It all shook out. And it will for you too. I am not doubting it for one minute.

And two kids is haaarrrrrrd, yo. But (!) I want you to know, that the first time you see Noah and Baby Girl hold hands or smile at one another or play together?--your heart will explode. I have never felt anything like that. Ever. And it will be enough to make the hard days a little bit more of a distant memory.

Cupcake Mama said...

I hear ya! I am scared to have a second even though I desperately want another one. As in, I can imagine holding another baby and seeing the baby for the first time. But the pregnancy and money and stress are REAL and HARD. Hang in there!!

Paige said...

I feel your pain, lady! I remember clearly that my first emotion upon finding out I was pregnant was less excited and more guilt. I felt so terrible that Carter wouldn't be my one and only anymore, and it took some time for the excitement to really sink in.

If it makes you feel better, I have done basically nothing to prepare for this baby, and I'm due several weeks before you. Frankly, I guess I've been so damn busy, at work and at home with a needy almost-2-year-old, that I just haven't had time to be worried. We have everything we need (my saving grace is that I'm having another boy), so I guess I'm assuming that we'll just figure it out when the time comes. There's really only so much you can do to prepare, anyway. It's all going to be madness regardless of how much we do in advance, but we'll adapt - that's what mommies do best, after all.
I'll leave you with this:
Give yourself a break. Everything IS and WILL BE wonderful.