Wow, so I totally forgot how mind-blowingly CRAZY I can get during pregnancy. Why didn't you remind me? One minute I'm wringing my hands over the complete lack of planning for Noah's 3rd birthday party and the next I am crying hysterically that we have made no progress on the baby's room and I'm an awful mother because I don't even NOTICE that there is another baby coming in WEEKS and she doesn't even have CLOTHES...apparently long, run-on sentences are also a hallmark of my pregnancy-induced psychosis.
This is hard, y'all. I'm laying myself completely bare when I say this because I don't want you to think it's all sunshine and rainbows over here. I have good days and bad days, happy days and sad days. I know this is mostly due to the raging hormones but I also wonder if it's partly because I feel apathetic towards the arrival of this new baby. (I am SO SORRY baby! I promise I will be so happy when you get here!). People ask us what we're having and I say "a girl!" followed with "we're so excited and can't wait!" when truthfully? Her birth day is bearing down on me and I feel overwhelmed by the things that need to get done and how will I ever wrangle two children and go back to work 12 weeks later and afford childcare for two kids, etc.
Don't get me wrong: we want this baby. We have wanted her for a very long time. But wanting her and the reality of her coming are two very different things. I look at Noah and realize he is no longer my "baby". That makes me cry. He's less than three months from being a big brother and does he even understand that? Probably not. I worry how this baby, this stranger to our family, will affect him. Maybe that's the problem: she's still a stranger to us. Maybe that's why she doesn't have a name...we don't know her yet. How will she fit into our family? Will it be as seamless as everyone tells me? Will it just "happen"? Those of you who have gone before me..tell me how it all works out.
This is all the same (see: crazy) as my pregnancy with Noah and yet so very different (see: apathy). When I was pregnant with Noah all I could talk about was him and I counted down the moments until his arrival. His nursery was done and ready for him well in advance of his birth day. He was all I could think about for hours at a time and I moved in a dream-like state toward July 2008. Fast-forward to now and it is all so very different.
Ok, I feel better just getting all of that out. Hooray for blog therapy! Carry on!