Thursday, February 4, 2010

This anniversary is not one to be celebrated


[an-uh-vur-suh-ree]  Show IPA noun,plural -ries, adjective
1.the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event: the tenth anniversary of their marriage.
2.the celebration or commemoration of such a date.

One year.  It's been one whole year since I fell down the stairs carrying Noah and broke his leg.  Even now, just typing those words, makes me feel anxious.  Really, really anxious.  It's difficult for me to remember that day.  The screaming, the panic, the florescent lights in the waiting room, the heavy vests in the x-ray room, the tiny yellow gown for a tiny patient, the kind child welfare worker.  It's all too much.  I sat down to write this and I truly thought I would be able to talk about it calmly and peacefully because my baby is ok.  He's fine.  He's better than fine, he's doing great.  Someday, February 5, 2009 will be just a blip in our memories, a day we bring up at family gatherings during a "remember when?" round and then laugh (I never will).

That accident changed me.  It made me nervous.  It made me anxious.  I believe deep down that I am a good mother and a good person and accidents happen to good people every day.  But I am not the same person I was before and I hate that.  I hate that I don't feel competent in taking care of my child.  I hate that I check, triple check, that Noah is in the backseat even after buckling him in because I am terrified of forgetting him somewhere (which, for the record, I have never done).  I hate that every time he falls down and cries hysterically I think he's broken a bone or gotten a concussion or something far worse.  I hate that I panic the minute he walks out of view of the camera in the childcare room at the gym and I immediately think someone's taken him.  All of this because of that accident.  

I know it could have been so much worse and I wonder if that's why I feel so anxious now.  Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to say.   I am so grateful that Noah healed just fine with no lingering developmental issues.  He's happy, he's healthy, he's extremely loved.  But I just can't shake that nagging anxiety that something will happen to him under my care.  This anxiety is preventing me from really moving forward with expanding our family because I worry that I am not capable of taking care of another small person.  I hope that time does heal this in me.  I need it to.

I am so sorry, Noah.  I am so sorry I hurt you.


k said...

There is not a mom out there who hasn't inadvertantly hurt their child. Ask anyone--it's happened to all of us.

I didn't lower Ezra's crib soon enough and he flipped out. Onto his back. On the hardwood floor.

A friend left her oven open for a split second and her son toddled over and open-palmed it.

Another friend turned her back for a minute and her 15 month old fell down a flight of uncarpeted stairs.

These are all women who ADORE their children and are hypervigilant.

Please be kind to yourself. Time will heal it. You're not alone.

Sara said...

Thank you, K. Your words are just what I needed to hear.

Michelle said...

Oh, Sara. We can do everything we can to protect our children, be as vigilant as possible and things just happen. K is right - you should be kind to yourself.

Hillary said...

K's right. We all do it. The first time I let The Boy help me cooking, trying to make a lovely childhood memory, I burnt his fingers. He had blisters for a week.

Anonymous said...

Hugs. I hate that you feel this way, but I understand all too well - Madeline fell down the stairs when she was 16 months. (I wasn't brave enough to blog about it, I was too ashamed).

She was fine, thank God - but I was RIGHT THERE. She was walking along, holding my hand, then she let go and took a fearless little step right off the staircase in a matter of a second.

I hope the feeling fades for you, because you are a great mom. To think of it another way - in all his months alive, that's ALL that's happened to him. Kids are determined to find trouble, and you've kept him from it in all but one instance. Lucky for us, they're also really resilient.

You're doing a great job with him. Please don't doubt yourself for a moment.

Anonymous said...
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The Mama said...

I have fallen holding my little one too - it's so scary. I was lucky we only had two carpeted stairs so my fall was minor. But if it was a bigger staircase, who knows what would have happened. I hope you can learn to be less nervous and trust yourself more. It looks like you are doing a great job!

Mary said...

You are no doubt an awesome mama. So sorry this happened. We have a steep wooden staircase, and it keeps me up at night with worry. Damn architecture! The world was just not made for babies, but thankfully, babies are made to heal quickly.

K is so right, too! Harper's had her finger slammed in a door (resulting in a trip to emergency room & x-rays), been bitten by a peacock, and fell off a 4 foot bridge at the park (like the one at Fellger.) I was right there for all of it. It is just dumb luck that she has not broken anything, and that I have not had a heart attack.

Sara said...

I love you all. Thank you for lifting me up and setting me straight. I feel better already!

samantha said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry that happened--I had no idea. I can't even IMAGINE feeling that way and going through what you went though.

But at least you have peace in your heart that you weren't drunk, stoned, or teetering around in 5" heels when it happend. There was nothing you could have done. An accident is just that.

Doesn't make the situation go away, but you're not at fault.