"I'm sorry you're a (insert foul language here*) moron"

This is how I ended a conversation with my husband this evening. The details of why he is a moron need not be repeated since I will most likely start to scream again but let's just say that in approximately 7 years total of marriage (first wife, second wife, yada yada) he has learned nothing. He has an extra special aversion to apologizing. An aversion that will be his ultimate demise.

In other news, Noah? He does not sleep in any regular fashion. I was that mother at first: super confident and very braggy that mah bebe is the best bebe ever! Life took that, chewed it up, and vomited it back in my face all while laughing hysterically. Noah has a switch that basically flips on one day and he is awakeAWAKEawakeAWAKE most of the day and night. And then the switch flips off and he is asleepASLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPasleep all day and night to the point where I end up waking him to eat. Which one book says is akin to washing your colors in hot water...you just don't do it, yo. And yet the same book says an almost 6 week old should eat every 2-3 hours, except at night and when the moon is in Jupiter or the Big Dipper is in the Western sky. BANG, BANG, BANG....sorry, that was me hitting my head against the wall.

If you know me at all, I adore schedules. Routines are my friend. That's not to say I don't like a little impulse action, but in all honesty I appreciate knowing what's coming up next. So this whole fly by the seat of our pants thing we've got going on is just a bit frustrating to me. I know Noah is not quite old enough for a set schedule of feedings and naps and whatnot. I also know that I cannot wait until he is old enough for a schedule. Then I can anticipate when he'll need to be fed rather than going out to lunch with a friend, thinking his belly is full from the feeding before we left the house, and then having to rush to the car with a screaming newborn who demands to be fed AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT and having to nurse him in the back seat. (Let's not even get into nursing in public...I have done it, I am not super duper comfortable with it, capiche?) Or said newborn having a meltdown in Old Navy because he needs to nap right then but his little brain cannot comprehend napping in his stroller, and mama's chubby ass is halfway into a pair of jeans in a size larger than she can even begin to fathom wearing (nope, didn't buy them, just could. not. do. it.).

So, yes. A schedule, a routine, whatever you want to call it, will be much appreciated when it finally happens. Maybe then I won't have to call my husband a moron.

*I only use swear-lite here...my grandmother reads this and has already informed me that she didn't think I knew bad words. Keeping it cool for the grandma.

I must be hilarious

He smiled. At me. For reals.


And it wasn't because he was gassy. I think my heart broke into a squillion little pieces.

One Month

Dear Noah,

Today you turned one month old. Time has both flown and stood still in the past 4 weeks. From the moment you were born, everything changed. First, I don't sleep anymore. Not that I was doing such a great job of it at the end of my pregnancy, but you have really taken not sleeping to a new level. This whole not sleeping during the day unless attached to me in the sling is just not going to work long term. Sorry to break it to you. Luckily, you and I had a breakthrough last night. You slept from 8 pm until 1:45 am...do you even understand how wonderful that was getting more than 2 hours sleep in a row? Let's make that happen again and again and again!

Secondly, the part of my brain that retains facts, memories, and oh, you know WORDS, barely functions anymore. I can have a conversation with you because you won't judge me when I point to a tree and can't remember the word for it...that leafy thing with big arms? No, those are BRANCHES. Duh. But if I go out in public it's an embarrassing event. I pity the poor souls who have to interact with me on a regular basis...I apologize to the CVS pharmacist, our dry cleaner, the lovely cashier at Target who fawned all over you asking how old you were while I stared at her blankly.

But you know what? I am pretty proud of your father and myself for not only keeping you alive for 4 weeks but also for helping you thrive. You're almost two pounds over your birth weight and have grown more than two inches. The dairy farm here is working overtime to keep up with you. You and I have such fun during the day on our walks and lunches with friends. I love pointing things out to you and describing where we are and what we're doing. Your eyes are always bright and searching. I have a feeling you're going to be a curious little boy, always asking questions and taking things apart to see how they work. Just make sure you put them back together again, mmkay?

Thank you, Noah, for coming into our lives. You make each day better than the last. We love you more than anything else.



Love,
Mama

(So I totally made cupcakes for his "birthday" and we lit the candle and sang Happy Birthday...the whole shebang. Tim went to eat the cupcake, and it fell apart in his hand. He then asked if I followed the directions on the BOX of cake mix. Yes, it came in a box. Of course I did! Until I read the box and realized it called for eggs, in addition to the water and oil. Oh. Oops. See paragraph two up there.)

Ode to Sleep

Oh, sleep, glorious sleep
I miss you so

At once dark and peaceful
It was only months ago

That I fell deeply
And dreamily, and soundly, lo

You are fleeting
You are elusive
You are forever gone.

The End.

(My husband is sick and cannot help with the baby. HATE. Also, send help.)

Always

This is me wearing my heart on the outside of my body.


This heart is the reason I breathe, the reason I open my eyes every morning. I thank Tim every moment for giving me this little boy. How can I express how much he means to me without repeating cliche after cliche? I don't know if I can. Let's just leave it at this: Noah, you are my everything, my baby, my heart. I will love you forever and for always.

Still dumb so you get pictures instead of words

Why hello there!


Nap? Who needs a nap?

Not me! Naps are for BABIES.

I am clearly a big boy.

Dumb

Things I have done in the past 3 and a half weeks since Noah was born that prove the phenomenon known as "mommy brain":

Put on wedding rings that clearly did not fit and had them CUT OFF at the ER

Locked myself and Noah out of the house after a walk

Drove the wrong way on a one way street...MY STREET, I mean, seriously?

Forgot to pay for the items in the stroller basket at the store...good thing their theft deterrant sensors were working that day

I'm sure there are plenty more, but this is just a taste of where my brain has been for the past few weeks. Apparently it's on vacation in the Caribbean or something. And if it is, I sure hope it's wearing 50+ SPF and making sure to drink lots of fruity, frothy drinks with teeny umbrellas for me.

Also, for those of you interested (ahem, grandmas), I have added a Baby Stats section to the right of this post. I will be posting Noah's most recent stats from his doctor appointments so you can keep track of his growth. For those of you not interested, ignore it.

Saturday night fever

Oh hi there.

This is what our Saturday nights have become...taking unflattering self portraits of our little family. Complete with the judgmental baby face. We are ROCKIN'! Hide the beer!

Babble

So. Motherhood. Wow. And also, huh? I am almost three weeks into this gig and I am exhausted. Not because I am not sleeping enough, but more because the sheer caretaking of another individual, no matter how small or cute, is tiring. When you are so used to taking care of just yourself (and the husband doesn't count because he can wipe his own ass) and then overnight you add in another person who requires your attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you get tired. Don't get me wrong, Noah makes me happier than I have ever been. The faces he makes when he's just looking around, or when he's gassy, or when he's nursing, make me laugh. He is so much like his father in that respect. But the constant demand for my attention is what is making me tired. It is hard to describe until you experience it...prior to having Noah I thought I knew exactly what my days were going to be like, but now that I am elbow deep in it, I realize I really had no clue.

Every day I see this little baby change and grow. I see him recognize my voice and open his eyes wide (along with his mouth, that little piglet). I have the pleasure of feeding him and satisfying his most basic needs. I have no idea what the next day is going to bring except that he and I will learn something new about each other. And that is what makes each of these days go by just a little faster. Even though I am so tired, and feeling worn down by this exhaustion, I know that around the next bend is something new and different and exciting. Every parent says it all goes by so fast and I don't want to miss a minute of it.

Cold Stone was too far away

Some days just require a little more incentive than others.



(Me thinks this is NOT the best way to lose these last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight.)

Two weeks

The naked baby edition. He is such a good sport.







Also, we have accomplished sleeping almost 5 hours straight at night which means Mommy is much happier and slightly less sleep deprived. Don't let these seemingly innocent pictures fool you. He is still quite the little devil during the day.