Happy

For a number of reasons, I’m feeling pretty good these days.  First, I got my (old) job back. Second, I started working and found that I liked it...far more than I could have anticipated. Third, Tim’s software development business has rapidly picked up and he’s busier than ever. Fourth, I’m going to BlogHer (can I get a HOLLLLLEERRRR on that?). And lastly, but almost the most important for me (and as you all know by now) I was recently offered the opportunity to contribute to another blog I adore, Style Lush. 

You guys. I nearly cried when Jennie sent me an email asking if I was interested in writing for her (and Elizabeth’s and Jonna’s) style blog. I’ve always wanted to write. I started this blog as an outlet for the tiny creative side of my brain that was fighting for a little attention. The past two years that I was home with Noah, I toyed with putting myself out there and finding ways to write more but never did. Maybe I was a little nervous that no one would like what I wrote. Maybe I didn’t have confidence in my words, my ideas. Maybe I thought blogging was a silly little thing I did for fun and could never be more than that. Jennie thought differently and for that I am so very grateful.

Now, I go to work everyday to make money to help support my family. And after work, after the family is fed and the boy is in bed, I get to do something for myself. I get to write. I get to spend time doing something that is so, so good for my soul. It feels good to be happy and fulfilled again after such a long road of disappointments and setbacks. Thank you, ladies of Style Lush, for your warm welcome and I can’t wait to meet as many of you as I can in August. I am forever grateful for this opportunity to be a small part of something so great.

I'm a cheatin' fool and I don't feel bad one little bit

I'm cheating on this blog a little and writing over at Style Lush today. Come visit me and check out how to throw a fabulous baby shower on a budget! (Leave a little comment love over there if you can!)

Best time of day

 

These past couple of weeks I’ve taken over Noah’s bedtime routine with a vengeance.  I push Tim out of the way and demand our baby all to myself.  I want to watch him splash in the tub and create imaginary storylines between Elmo, Ernie and their boat.  I want to chase him, dripping, down the hallway towards his room, leaving the towel in his wake.  I want to slip his little feet into his jammies and hear him say “Feet INNNNN!” and giggle uncontrollably.  I want to brush his hair and his teeth and sing our songs about getting clean.  I want to help him pick out his favorite books to read and watch his face light up when we settle into our rocking chair with the well-loved story about farm animals.  I want to hold him close to me while we read “one more story, Mommy”.  I want to rock him and sing to him and run my fingers through his hair while he begins his descent into sleep.  I want to lay him in his crib and hear him ask me to “rub back please” before slipping out the door. 

 

Of course I will, baby.  Of course I will for as long as you need me to. 

 

What once was a rushed process to end our long day has become my absolute favorite time.  I get so few hours with Noah each day and I'm savoring every minute that we have together.  At this time of day, I watch the clock less and settle into the two of us resting together.  I remember reading some of your accounts rocking your babies and I never realized just how precious that time is to a working mother.  I get it now.  I really get it.

Sick and tired (no, really, just sick and tired)

Oh hi, I’m sick.  I caught the dreaded cold/achy flu/feverish chills from a co-worker.  The lovely part: Tim came home from work early and handled Noah’s evening routine as well as a grocery run for milk and bread so I could pass out at 6pm.  The not so lovely part: I had to come into work today even though I felt like death warmed over.  I don’t have sick days yet.  I haven’t worked long enough to earn any time off (and yes, I know this accrual based system is a benefit to the employers and not the employees) and when I do have time accrued I know I need to save it for when Noah’s sick.  Which, according to a lot of your accounts, will be always now that he’s in daycare.

Speaking of daycare, we had a great week with it last week but this week he’s acting up.  Currently, Noah’s attending daycare with only one other kid-our caregiver’s 8 month old son, H. Noah pretty much has the joint to himself and demands S’s (caregiver) undivided attention to the detriment of H.  Noah yells at S when H needs her and takes her attention away from him.  He throws blocks (hard!  wooden!  blocks!) at H when he gets mad.  He kicked H in the face (H was totally fine and wasn’t hurt at all...just more surprised that his new buddy kicked him).  He’s yelled at H and taken toys away from him “Noah’s toy NOT H’s toy NOOOOOOOOO”.  Noah’s ALWAYS played nicely with other kids.  I’m not lying when I say that.  So this behavior is really unsettling for me.  I know it’s only week two so he may still be adjusting and acting out his frustration by terrorizing the little baby.  I know he’s really a kind little boy under this bad attitude and I need to find a way to express that we don’t hurt our friends EVER.

Also, now that I’ve turned this into a plea for help, how do I handle the daily reports of bad boy behavior from daycare?  I think she’s on top of telling me because it’s directly affecting her son  so of course I totally understand.  And she’s handling Noah’s behavior issues very well: implementing time outs for hitting/kicking/throwing/etc. and reminding him over and over how to play nicely.  I just have major guilt when I pick him up and get the run down of his day and it always starts out with “well, we had a little issue today...”.  I start to cringe on the walk up to her front door, worrying about what she’ll tell me and then how I have to attempt to talk to a two year old about it when we get home.  Aren’t little kids kind of like dogs though?  Me reprimanding Noah hours after the incident in question seems a little counter-intuitive.  Also, I think I feel bad that someone other than myself is having to deal with Naughty Boy Noah.  That’s her job though, right?  That’s what I pay her a handsome sum of money each week to do, yes?  

Sigh.  My motto: it’s only been two weeks.  It’s only been two weeks.  IT WILL GET BETTER.

Roaming

We ended a long week with a lovely trip to see some friends.  Friends like her and her.  Friends that I met through this here blog.  Friends who are good for my soul.  Friends who have beautiful, funny, joyous children.  Take a peek...

The closest I got to all four kids in one shot.  They are FAST little buggers.

 Charlotte spotted the mud from a hundred yards away and beelined it.

Noah wasn't far behind.

Mud pies!

Cass and Lexi.  This shot makes my heart sing.

Between a real photographer and a wanna-be (hint: the real one isn't me)

Ok, so MAYBE I kind of fell in love with this girl. 

Noah approving of the mess.

Sawyer looked so bad ass with his mud eye patch.

This day trip was just what the doctor ordered.  Good food, good drinks, and most importantly, good people.  Thank you ModernMatriarch for hosting us and for letting us track dirt all over your clean carpets.  We had a fabulous time.

Probably only applicable this week but let’s go with it

I feel mentally energized.  Renewed, perhaps.  I hesitate to write those words because once they’re out there, it’s hard to take them back.  But for now, for today, and maybe tomorrow, they ring true.  This is not to say that going back to work after an extended two year absence is easy because it’s not, not at all.  When my alarm rings at 5:45am, I immediately groan, kick the dog on accident, and slap the snooze button.  I’m physically exhausted by the time I drag myself off the train and into the car to head home.  But once I get home, once I get back to Noah, once I scoop him up and hold him close, I feel calm…centered…dare I say, happier, than I have felt in a long time.   

My house is in massive disarray, there are loads of laundry to do, and gardens to weed.  We’re headed out of town for a short road trip Saturday and I am wholly unprepared and unpacked.  The Sara of two months ago would be fretting and wringing her hands over the state of things.  The Sara of today can’t be bothered to worry about it.  The house will eventually be put back in order, the laundry will be washed and folded (somehow), the gardens will be weeded, the bags will be packed in time for our departure.  It will all get done.  For now I am focused on learning our new routines, making sure Noah is well-cared for, and kicking ass at work for 8 hours a day. 

Maybe taking this job will prove to be one of the best decisions we’ve ever made.  Maybe I was burned out staying home for two years with an ever-changing newborn-baby-toddler.  Maybe I need this time out of the house and doing something for myself, for a potential career.  Maybe I’ll figure out that I really am better at home and I’ll go back someday.  I don’t know.  The future truly is unpredictable, no matter how well-laid your plans.  What I do know is that I am a good mom to Noah, working or not.  I am a good wife to Tim, dinner made every night or not.  I am a good daughter, friend, and employee.  Above all, I am good to, and for, me.  And that, my friends, is a revelation.

The end of a (very short in the grand scheme of things) era

I had grand plans for today.  You see, today is my last day as a stay at home mom.  We were going to go to the zoo! With friends! And have a picnic!  Then the friend cancelled due to sick children and the forecast called for rain.  Instead, we stayed home.  Noah and myself.  All alone.  And it was glorious.

My heart hurts a little today.  I'm going to miss this amazing, independent, spirited little boy every minute that I am away from him.  But I know that missing him will only make the time we do have together that much more special.  For I have plans, oh yes, grand plans .  We'll be building forts, having picnics for dinner at the park, dancing in the gazebo at a kids' concert, taking daily post-dinner tricycle rides and creating general merriment all around us.  Life as we know it may be changing but that doesn't mean it has to stop.  

Noah, I want you to know that your daddy and I made this decision because we know it will help provide you with the best life possible.  I have loved (almost) every minute of being home with you these past (almost) two years and wouldn't trade it for the world.  This is our next chapter, as a family, and we are going to rock it.  YOU are going to rock it.  I will miss you so very much, little man, but at 5:30 pm, everyday, I will be there to pick you up from daycare.  And until you get embarrassed by it, I will scoop you up and snuggle you.  I am first and foremost your mommy and I will never forget that.  

Ok.  Now I'm ready to go kick some corporate ass.  In a pencil skirt and heels.