I feel mentally energized. Renewed, perhaps. I hesitate to write those words because once they’re out there, it’s hard to take them back. But for now, for today, and maybe tomorrow, they ring true. This is not to say that going back to work after an extended two year absence is easy because it’s not, not at all. When my alarm rings at 5:45am, I immediately groan, kick the dog on accident, and slap the snooze button. I’m physically exhausted by the time I drag myself off the train and into the car to head home. But once I get home, once I get back to Noah, once I scoop him up and hold him close, I feel calm…centered…dare I say, happier, than I have felt in a long time.
My house is in massive disarray, there are loads of laundry to do, and gardens to weed. We’re headed out of town for a short road trip Saturday and I am wholly unprepared and unpacked. The Sara of two months ago would be fretting and wringing her hands over the state of things. The Sara of today can’t be bothered to worry about it. The house will eventually be put back in order, the laundry will be washed and folded (somehow), the gardens will be weeded, the bags will be packed in time for our departure. It will all get done. For now I am focused on learning our new routines, making sure Noah is well-cared for, and kicking ass at work for 8 hours a day.
Maybe taking this job will prove to be one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. Maybe I was burned out staying home for two years with an ever-changing newborn-baby-toddler. Maybe I need this time out of the house and doing something for myself, for a potential career. Maybe I’ll figure out that I really am better at home and I’ll go back someday. I don’t know. The future truly is unpredictable, no matter how well-laid your plans. What I do know is that I am a good mom to Noah, working or not. I am a good wife to Tim, dinner made every night or not. I am a good daughter, friend, and employee. Above all, I am good to, and for, me. And that, my friends, is a revelation.