Thursday, January 8, 2009

Introspection

Let me just say that this post was brought on by my spending too much time on Facebook.  There.  That’s my disclaimer.

I spend a lot of my day letting my thoughts wander while playing on the floor with Noah.  While he is learning how to grasp the toy with his whole hand and not just hook a finger around it, I am wondering “what if?”  Do you ever play the “what if?” game?  I have decided I much prefer Scrabble, or even Charades (shudder), to the “what if?” game.  The “what if?” game brings up some long forgotten, or maybe only shallowly buried, memories of past relationships, past friendships, many vague moments in time.  Among those are new thoughts, new “what ifs” for the unknown future.

What if I had never met Tim?

What if I hadn’t said goodbye to (insert ex here)?

What if I had moved to a new city in a new state rather than just playing it safe?

What if I hadn’t had a baby?

What if I had continued working?

What if we hadn’t bought this house?

What if I had tried harder to mend that friendship?

What if I had actually attempted that masters’ degree?

What if I had been more focused in college?

A long ago ex asked to be my Facebook friend.  I hesitated before responding, not because I harbor any ill will towards him, but because the request would open up my world to him, a person I had shut out of my life over 8 years ago.  It also brought back a flood of memories, and as I perused his photos (and he looks so happy and that really is wonderful) I began to remember that time of my life.  And not just the time spent with him, but the rest of those years and everything that took place then.  I have a hard time going back.  I have a difficult time thinking about the past, even when that past was good, as most of it was.  It causes me to question decisions I made to get where I am today.  Hence the “what if?” game.

I feel as though I have draped most of my past with rose colored silk…I don’t remember all the bad things I have done, or nasty things I have said to people (though they remember, I am sure), or good things I didn’t do when the opportunities presented themselves.  I don’t think I can handle remembering all the bad when I can barely work through remembering all the good.  Maybe that is my coping mechanism.

This is not at all to say that I want the possible answers to my “what ifs?”.  Those answers may not include Tim, my partner and best friend, or Noah, my heart that beats forever outside of my body, and any answer that does not include those two boys is an answer that I want no part of.  The choices I have made in the past have brought me to my present.  And this present really is everything I have ever wanted.  Yes, there are some things I would change (almost all relating to this god forsaken economic “SITUATION”), but these are also things that I cannot control.  What I can control is my participation in the “what if?” game.   I think I am fine with sitting on the sidelines from now on.

Yes, of course I accepted the friend request on Facebook.  It would have been rude of me not to and I want him to see my pictures and see how happy I am.  How blessed I am.  How lucky I am.  And for him to say “She looks so happy and that’s wonderful.”   

Ed. I feel as though I might have been slightly, um, hormonal, when I wrote this so you know...keep that in mind, don't take it too seriously, etc.

1 comment:

parkingspot said...

I enjoyed this post. I feel like my blog is on this introspective note, more often than not. Thanks for making me feel less odd. I have a lot of what ifs that cross my mind daily.