Sunday, March 2, 2008

Courage wanted (warning: emotional content ahead)

I've felt overwhelmed before. Like when planning our wedding, the sheer number of choices of every imaginable aspect of a wedding drove me to the brink of insanity. Many a bride will tell you that there is nothing more important than the most perfectly perfect wedding in the history of the world. The perfect combination of beauty, imagination, color, size, and effect. All on a limited budget. It was a pressure unlike any I have ever felt before. Until now.

I am more overwhelmed today than I have ever been in the past. Forget the wedding, that was peanuts. It was a beautiful, romantic day and one I will never forget, mind you. But comparing the wedding planning to the baby prepping is like comparing apples to oranges, Minnesota to Florida, Design on a Dime to Divine Design (if you don't know which is better you are dead to me). (I kid). I have tried to make light of the having a baby thing and keep it airy and fun. We can talk nursery decor and the pros/cons of co-sleeping until our eyes bleed, but at the end of the day, the responsibility of being a parent to a defenseless newborn makes me want to run to Lake Michigan and jump in. It is so hard to put into words what this feels like.

The rational part of me knows that having a baby and raising a child is not rocket science. People have been doing it for centuries and kids are turning out ok and everyday 18,000 babies are born, blah blah blah. But, you know what? I am not those people, nor have I ever done this before. I can guarantee that by the time #2 rolls around, I'll be calm and smooth like butter, baby. But this first one is really throwing me here. I don't want you to think I'm not beyond thrilled with our little boy, and I wanted him before he even existed. But his imminent arrival throws a slight shadow of doubt about my abilities to handle it all. I know in my heart that it doesn't matter if he has the best 100% organic cotton onesies or the "right" stroller with one hand fold. I know that all he really needs is our undying love and human support. I know he is being welcomed into a family that wants him more than anything and a circle of friends who can't wait to meet him and show him the ropes. Knowing these things is what keeps me floating along.

He is so precious to me already, and it is so hard for me to tell him. I wonder if my feelings of premature failure and worry affect him? Of course I worry that they do. It's a cycle that I want broken. I don't want to feel overwhelmed by this huge and amazing lifetime project that is quickly approaching. I want to appreciate every moment of this pregnancy and treasure them, hold them close to my heart. Never again will he and I be this close. We have four more months, give or take, to go everywhere together and breathe the exact same air and have our hearts beat together. When he leaves my body, I am afraid I will feel like my heart is beating on the outside. And it will break into a million pieces.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

You will be a wonderful mom, Sara... you are wonderful at your core, so its pretty much impossible for you not to be. I'm thinking about you and loving you all the way from KS. :)