Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Ramblings of a yogurt brain*

I started this blog hoping to find some purpose for it other than as an online journal of my life. I didn't think anyone really cared to hear about the minutiae of my day-to-day existence or my harping on how my pants don't fit. But the problem is that I am having trouble finding my passion, my focus. I read approximately 30 blogs on a regular basis that range from daily journals on raising a family to a passionate recounting of recent culinary genius to the beautiful discoveries of a design junkie. Each blog has that focus that I so deeply desire for myself. But each blog also has a passion that fuels that focus. That is what I am lacking.

There are so very many things that interest me. But nothing that completely inspires me so fully that I can't write about anything else. This whole lack of direction reflects itself in my life. I am cutting back time at a job that means almost nothing to me, other than the fact that I enjoy the people and have trouble hurting feelings. If I was a real ball-breaker, I would have quit this job long ago, and moved on to something bigger and better. The whole problem is that I don't know what that bigger or better thing is. And I don't like the feeling of letting someone down. My boss is a great man, but this is corporate America...people quit all the time. Instead, I was guilted into staying part-time. Guilted by my conscience and my boss. Yeah, big ball-breaker over here.

I feel like I am constantly moving forward in life, doing all the things I wanted to do, i.e. meet a fantastic man, get married, buy a house, start a family, etc. But while moving forward, I'm staying in one place. If that makes any sense at all. Is this the quarter-life crisis I've been hearing about? My mom would tell me to shut up and grow up. No one gets everything they want packaged in a neat little box with a pretty green bow. And what I want is undefined. It's a passion for something that eludes me and has eluded me for years. I thought maybe this so-called passion would be found in time, and who knows? There is still so much time in my life. So much time to discover what I am meant to be doing with my time. I am truly looking forward to being a mother...I have always wanted to be a mother, and I have vowed to do that job with extraordinary passion.

But there is more out there that keeps stepping just outside my grasp. I think this quote from Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail sums it up: "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? " Brilliant, really.

*Tim keeps telling me I have "yogurt brain"...which I suppose means it's all mashed and slimy up in there these days. Also known as pregnancy brain.

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